I’ve been having a hard time, this pregnancy, with focusing on good and true. Some days when Ben is at work the sheer exhausting-ness of trying to do the laundry and the kitchen and the seeing-the-living room- floor-periodically amidst the feeding and sleeping and changing and playing of the ONE baby starts the fear whispering.
“What are you going to do when there’s two?
What are you going to do when she wants to nurse 3 hours straight(like Ascher did) and he needs lunch or entertainment or redirection or a trip to the park?
You’re ruining his babyhood, his mama-only time, your only-baby time by having another so soon.
He’ll be interested at first, but just give it a couple days and he’ll just be sad and jealous.
It’d be easier to play with him, bath him, wrassle him, bounce him the full number of minutes required for sleep if it weren’t for this baby belly. And what about after she’s here? Remember the tiredness, achingness and the out-of-shapedness of post-birth?”
Oh, the crippling fears. All the more crippling because I know there is a bit of truth there. I try to squash it down and it whispers, “But it’s TRUE.”
I dissolved one night on Ben. Thinking about potentially hard stuff is just not recommended after 10pm. Fears, tears, and frustrations poured out. I told him all these hard things I see for our future and repeatedly told him, “But it’s true!” when he tried to talk me down.
Finally he told me that isn’t the future he imagines for us. Sure there’ll be hard things. But he primarily sees a lot of joy. He sees us next summer with Ascher running around picking us flowers and digging in dirt and helping his little sister find the ripe tomatoes and berries. He imagines the little sister following us around doing what Ascher is doing this summer, finding rock and leaf treasures and tasting dirt. He imagines us happy. I realized with shock that I’d done almost no imagining of the happy times to come.
Like imagining the the tiny new baby snuggling the daddy.
Or those first smiles.
Or the fun of Christmas with two little people.
Or the beach with two little sandies.
Or the next first birthday party with two chocolate smeared cupcake smashers.
When I was pregnant with Ascher I imagined, while knowing there would be hard, almost all joy, once he was here. And there was a lot of joy, but also a lot more hard than I had known to imagine. While pregnant with this little girl I’ve had a lot of time imagining the hard and it’s been hard to think of the good that will be there too.
And surely there will be a lot of it.
Trying to reset my brain on this.
Trust God more.
Imagine more hope.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Writing once again with Lisa-Jo Baker on the word prompt “Imagine”. The rules say five minutes, but sometimes it’s more important to just write. Click over for more stories.