Other days, I pinch baby’s finger during evening nail-clipping. She cries. I cry. It’s the last straw on my camel, laden today with too many undone small plans, too many un-fitting favorite clothes, too many too high too soon wishes. So we both cry. Ben hugs us both, takes the baby, cheeries her up, gets some smiles, bounces her to sleep.
He tells me I should go to bed.
I tell him I have to write first.
He says I should write this.
“Ascher wide awake at 3am. Don’t know why.
Ascher wouldn’t nap long enough. Don’t know why.
Wilona wouldn’t nap long enough. Don’t know why.
Husband says I should sleep. I think I know why.”
My addition to that is that I went to bed at 1am(don’t know why) and THEN Ascher woke up at 3am.
But, we really were doing ok until naps didn’t go as I hoped. But let it be known that, even with less-than worthy naps, they were fine and mostly cheery. I was the only one put off by it, sigh.
We had a lovely half-hour playing outside.
Wilona sat happily watching in her bouncy.
Ascher and I played with a tennis ball.
First the game was to throw it off to the side of me and see me streeeeetch and reach for it.
Then he got it to me once and thought it was so hilarious when I acted like it knocked me over that he did that over and over for a while. Then when I started taking pictures of him he got me right in the head with the ball once and then that was the new game. “Run the ball to mama as fast as I can and throw it at her head!”
Then he had to throw the ball up(and down) the slide.
It really was a lovely time.
I’m having such a hard with balancing trying to do things with being ok if they don’t happen. Try and try and try to get stuff cleaned up, figured out, sorted through and over and over I’m needed elsewhere and then that my plans didn’t go through messes with my outlook on the whole rest of the day. I know I have babies and that they’re priority, but I know it’s possible to get things done even with them and it’s really kind of frustrating to not know how much is possible on any given day. Not sure how to help that.
A couple links that I keep going back to over and over…
“Sometimes doing the most important thing eternally – doesn’t look like you are doing anything noticeably.
When we drive by the Mennonite neighbors on the way to Sunday morning service, I make a genuine Everest attempt to not look at Mrs. Martin’s rows of full-bloomed lavatera lustfully. Turns out that someday after you turn 40 or read the Sermon on the Mount for the 378th time, you wake up and get it:
Envying someone else’s life doesn’t make your life better like actually enjoying your own does.”
“I know in theory we all know there is no perfect mother.
In reality, however, we seem to hold ourselves to a standard of motherhood that’s insane. I mean flat out, crazy-making, cuckoo land kind of nuts.
And if that weren’t bad enough, we trick ourselves into believing we’re the only ones who fail at all. the. things. And then we beat ourselves up. And tell ourselves mean things at the end of long days.
Days spent keeping tiny humans alive and thriving.”